It’s not easy to surrender yourself to something.
Our stubborn human nature resists, tugs, pulls back, and does not want to conform.
We see what we want and we strive towards it.
But sometimes it’s not good for us, what we want, where we want to go.
Sometimes we must submit and surrender in order to move forward.
I was taught this lesson once again this week when I woke up only yesterday morning with an awful and debilitating bout of vertigo.
There was nothing I could do.
My world was spinning and every move I made was causing me to lose my balance and have sudden rushes of nausea.
Somehow I got up, got ready, and drove in to work. I knew I had a lot of work to do and deadlines were looming. I at least had to go in for a bit to get projects moving and maybe even grab my laptop so I could work from home.
My body was trying to stop me. Trying to get me to slow down, to stop, and rest and recover.
I didn’t listen.
The spinning and dizziness made me so nauseous that halfway to work I had to pull over and give in to the violent upheaval in my stomach. I was barely hanging on as my already empty body tried to get rid of whatever it felt was causing this sickness.
I still did not listen and surrender.
I slowly made my way to my office and from one look on my co-workers faces I knew I probably looked as ill as I felt.
I grabbed my laptop, gave a few printouts to my boss and let him know I had to go home.
He looked at me with concern and asked if I was sure I could drive home. At that point I just wanted to get home so I pledged I’d take it slow and stop if I had to. (In hindsight, I should NOT have driven! I could have seriously hurt myself or others if I was unable to keep the dizziness at bay for long enough.)
Keeping my head as still as possible and my squinting eyes focused on the road ahead of me, I drove slowly home.
My mind and body were slowly losing the battle between the still, calm world and this forceful spinning one.
I made it home and crawled right into bed.
I had to surrender.
My body was not working properly and there was nothing I could do to fix, or change, or combat it.
Sleep and time laying still with my eyes closed eventually helped.
A few more times my body suddenly betrayed me after I managed to get up and work on a few projects from home.
There have only been a few times when I’ve felt that sick, that helpless, and that weak.
All of those times were days when the gremlin of vertigo struck.
(Once it happened in the middle of London when my Mom and I were on the upper deck of a crowed city tour bus. And no one was the wiser to my sudden strike of nausea. I’ll tell you about that day sometime.)
The next morning, today, I woke up and knew the unbalance and spinning had passed.
I couldn’t battle my way through, though I had wanted to. I had to surrender and let my body and time take it’s course.
Sometimes we have no choice to surrender.
Other times we must choose.
Choosing to surrender, when all is well and you could keep on going, is the more difficult of the two.